Post surgery: Guilt, Anger and Knowing too much

[AshesAshes]

I hate that I was put in this position by bad orthodontics.

The physical problem is gone.  I'm nearly 9 months post op and couldn't be happier with my results.  The surgery undid mouth breathing and 5 years of retraction with braces and headgear. For some reason, though, I  can't help but keep stumbling into the subject with people, like if someone's kid is getting braces or someone complains about modern medicine.  I go on this sort of canned rant about my experience and sometimes start crying.  I feel I need to warn them.  I know this sounds dramatic, but it feels like I was traumatized and I'm stuck in a loop. It's like I HAVE to talk about it.  My boyfriend, parents, everyone -- they all tell me to avoid the subject.  I even went to a family reunion recently, where my own uncle didn't recognize me, and I felt I couldn't say anything about this whole ordeal because my dad said not to tell them.  So I just said I had some orthodontic work done.   

In my mind, although it was largely cosmetic, it was fully justified because I was undoing the damage of mouth breathing and headgear.   But most people -- aside from this forum -- don't understand this stuff.  They have no idea that facial growth can go awry. So I have this weird combination of guilt, anger, and loneliness, and when I tell people about the surgery I focus on the airway and slight bite issues.  Not the issues that gutted me to my core.

I feel wronged by my former orthodontist.  I never confronted him about it because I always wanted him -- and everyone else in the world -- to like me.  He used to call me 'kiddo' and I remember strapping on the headgear nightly with the hope that the next ortho visit he would be happy with my "progress."  But as I look back on pictures over the years, where I went from a buck-toothed but full-faced little girl with bright eyes to a teen with dark circles and a drawn, hollowed-out look during my course of orthodontics, I just get so sad.     

I just feel I need some kind of relief, but I don't know what form that will take.

[Lazlo]

Ashes,

in a sense I understand all of this. I don't think what you're feeling is too unusual. First, you need to thank you lucky stars you were able to fix the damage and the problem and come out successfully from all of this. It's a risky surgery etc.. and you came out a winner.

I've gone through some of this myself. Realizing what was done to me, the damage it caused and have like you obsessed about it greatly. The thing is, our minds they form patterns which become hardwired and our brains become physically ingrained by these patterns. In your case you solved the problem, but the thoughts maintain a sort of inertia. Even though logically you might be able to go beyond it, there's still something that's compelling you like a shadow to feel a sort of pain and trauma.

I think for you the most important thing is to really work to forget about all this now. To move on. Don't visit these sites or any sites related to PS or orthodontics etc.. It will take many months but you'll get over all this. Just think of it this way. Nothing permanent was ever done to you, nothing which could not be fixed. Some of us are not so lucky --in my case, my extractions --I can't undo that or at least at the loss of great time, money and in my case it would destroy my gums. You never had anything done to you which was irreversible. Sure you may have had a few years where you didn't look your best, but you're still  VERY young, your prettier than most girls out there and you're successful have people who love you etc. etc.

You need to start focussing on all the good things in your life and look at this as just a minor blip.

A lot of happiness experts and psychologists talk about keeping a gratitude journal. Each night write down 5 things you're grateful for and really be authentic and genuine about it --people, things you did or saw, anything --read up on how to do it. What this does is it forms new patterns and can have some profound long term effects.

And just stop exposing yourself to triggers that will make you think of orthodontics and your teeth etc..

I wish you the best Ashes.

[CK]

for lots of people surgery will never create a competitive substitute for natural growth. so i think in your case you definitely lucked out as hard as they might seem to realize.

im jealous of your situation! id definitely not feel guilty. maybe anger, but not if everything was restored as you say it was. dont waste more time on this.

[Kristen]

Wow great advice Lazio!   And beautifully said.