My ortho referred me to my surgeon, though I had actually consulted another surgeon before. He was pretty blunt and belittling and dismissed my concerns, but he thankfully referred me to my orthodontist. I'm not sure how it works where you live, but no dentist's referral was needed. We planned my treatment knowing that I was very open to surgery, but keeping in mind that it might not be needed, as my teeth had really been messed with in a bad way by orthodontist number 1, to the point that she wasn't sure exactly where I might end up when my teeth were restored to normal angles. When it became clear that braces alone could not fix my problem, the surgeon was called in. He's one of several surgeons she works with, and is really focused on TMJ issues and facial balance, so she really kept my concerns in mind when picking the surgeon, and that's definitely something you want to look for.
I look relatively normal to other people, and my boyfriend and family seem to struggle to support me because I don't look like I have a "deformity" in their minds, but in the end it's about what will make you feel more comfortable and happy! I also appreciate having this board as an outlet, because few people in your everyday life will understand how difficult it can be to go through this, sometimes multiple times! My housemate is fortunately also in the process of braces and surgery for her underbite - I even referred her to my ortho lol, and we often commiserate and b*tch about our troubles when it gets bad, but not many people are going to be able to understand this. Just keep what you need in mind and go for it as best as you can!