Author Topic: Emotional/sad/ do we all have bdd?  (Read 17044 times)

academiannut

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Emotional/sad/ do we all have bdd?
« on: May 28, 2019, 07:54:57 PM »
Sister got all teary with me on facetime at the loss of my old face. Her words - I quote - she misses my “sharkish smile”.   

I don’t know how to feel. I hated a lot about my face but there was a perky cuteness I liked at certain angles. Now I probably look better but I’m still struggling not to feel self-conscious and sad. Maybe I killed what was unique in my face. I would really like to stop thinking about my face at all.

I’ve seen so many people post in anguish on here and their pics shoe they look fine and its all in their heads.  Wondering if BDD is more common than its thought to be. After all, who doesn’t feel that sinking awful feeling at a bad haircut?  We all get so focused and upset about minor things with our appearance when we don’t need to. No one else notices or cares. That’s the freedom if we can believe it and know it.

I mean my jaws were out of the norm enough to qualify for a 100,000 surgery, and ya know what?  I looked fine. In person, at angles, I was cute. Sure, My pics looked odd dead on with an untutored smile. But I knew how to angle my face to make it cute and I did.   And I’ll do the same with this new face  and it will look better in a few months with swelling and what not gone. There will still be asymmetries and things.

There were before and I didn’t even notice.

My real goal is to be free of being self-conscious about how I look. I never have been, ever.

And now, post surgery, I’m realizing I didn’t need to be then and I don’t need to be now.



Think I’ll go meditate.

GJ

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Re: Emotional/sad/ do we all have bdd?
« Reply #1 on: May 28, 2019, 09:42:18 PM »
My suggestion is to immerse yourself in something you love doing.
Millimeters are miles on the face.

Post bimax

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Re: Emotional/sad/ do we all have bdd?
« Reply #2 on: May 29, 2019, 03:08:03 AM »
Unless you get an objectively better result in every regard, there’s a good chance of feeling like this.

My old face had some quirks and unique features that I no longer have. We may not realize it, but these quirks become a part of our identity and we learn to live with them. After surgery, we have a new face with new things we like and new things we wish were different. That’s jarring.

For those of us that got minor improvements or some improvements and some drawbacks, we should take comfort in the fact that we look better ‘on balance’. That’s definitely true in your case. I still find myself regretting my surgery some days but, in those moments I’m forgetting all the things I didn’t like about my old face. Nostalgia goggles are very powerful.

I’m not saying to not pursue further improvements if that’s your wish, but your experience is very normal.

PloskoPlus

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Re: Emotional/sad/ do we all have bdd?
« Reply #3 on: May 29, 2019, 03:37:45 AM »
My suggestion is to immerse yourself in something you love doing.
I started a new hobby around the time I got braces and prepared for surgery. Around the time I saw Wolford I started to get good at it. Had I not, I would've had a revision by now.

PloskoPlus

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Re: Emotional/sad/ do we all have bdd?
« Reply #4 on: May 29, 2019, 04:34:11 AM »
Unless you get an objectively better result in every regard, there’s a good chance of feeling like this.

My old face had some quirks and unique features that I no longer have. We may not realize it, but these quirks become a part of our identity and we learn to live with them. After surgery, we have a new face with new things we like and new things we wish were different. That’s jarring.

For those of us that got minor improvements or some improvements and some drawbacks, we should take comfort in the fact that we look better ‘on balance’. That’s definitely true in your case. I still find myself regretting my surgery some days but, in those moments I’m forgetting all the things I didn’t like about my old face. Nostalgia goggles are very powerful.

I’m not saying to not pursue further improvements if that’s your wish, but your experience is very normal.
At my first visit I asked my surgeon whether it's worth going through it all given the risks and the expense only to potentially end up looking different, but not better.. He weaseled that looks are subjective. In the end he got tired of my questioning and barked "at least you'll have a good bite!". I should have taken it as proof that he was nothing but a glorified dentist. Instead I projected my own (fairly realistic, IMO) expectations on him. He did write to my GP that I asked a lot of "perceptive aesthetic questions"... I'd rather the fat f**k had never operated on me in the first place.

Post bimax

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Re: Emotional/sad/ do we all have bdd?
« Reply #5 on: May 29, 2019, 05:23:14 AM »
At my first visit I asked my surgeon whether it's worth going through it all given the risks and the expense only to potentially end up looking different, but not better.. He weaseled that looks are subjective. In the end he got tired of my questioning and barked "at least you'll have a good bite!". I should have taken it as proof that he was nothing but a glorified dentist. Instead I projected my own (fairly realistic, IMO) expectations on him. He did write to my GP that I asked a lot of "perceptive aesthetic questions"... I'd rather the fat f**k had never operated on me in the first place.

Well, yes. But your case is different than hers. She looks better “on balance” whereas you utterly despise your result for justified reasons. Our problems are similar so I feel your pain. Shaving my face is still a traumatic experience for me. But I’m still grateful for the ‘face space’ I gained and the extra space under my jaw. My comment is tailored to those that can see an aesthetic upside to their result despite their reservations.

kavan

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Re: Emotional/sad/ do we all have bdd?
« Reply #6 on: May 29, 2019, 10:04:25 AM »
As to your header question; 'do we all have bdd?', the answer is NO

There are some people who are actually traumatized by certain aspects of their appearance. Could be a number of things. The trauma comes in when other people MAKE FUN of their appearance and or ostracize them and if not for people doing that (usually kids/teens at school or total strangers pointing at them and laughing). If not for others making them miserable because of their appearance, they probably would not have noticed or had issues with it. You've heard the phrase; 'A face only a mother can love'. It's like that for them. When they are HOME, they are ACCEPTED. But when they are not home in their loving environment, other people make them hyper conscious of their appearance and might call them 'ugly'. So, when they get those things fixed, it gives them RELIEF from others traumatizing them for it.

Now that type of psyche trauma depends on the social group or circle and usually happens to kids, teens but has impact on later development and sense of self if they don't fix what they are given grief for having. If the social circle is one where parents teach kids to be accepting of others and/or NOT MAKE FUN of the appearance of others or just one where brains,  personality and education are more important than LOOKS such that their 'looks are over looked'. So people from those kind of social environments won't be traumatized by their appearance because the trauma comes in when OTHERS REJECT them on that alone and that is fortunately absent from their social environment. Hence, they become more accepting, themselves, for features/appearance/looks that they could be tormented for having in other social environments. The more 'disadvantaged' the social group, the less likely they are to be brought up with 'niceties' or politeness and the meaner they can be.

We have a member of this board, 'Earl' who was traumatized by kids always making fun of his face. When he got a boat load of surgery to address everyone of his many aesthetic problems, he was RELIEVED to look NORMAL.

BDD is basically when a person traumatizes THEMSELVES for some MINOR imperfection that no one else notices or calls negative attention to. They MAGNIFY some aspect of their appearance way beyond objective assessment of it being normal and spend most of their time doing that. People who look FINE to OTHERS (in real life) as they are. They get surgery and the surgery never 'fixes' the flaw. It can't because the flaw is IN THEIR HEAD.

Then there is another type of BDD that can actually be INFLICTED in some cyberspace places such as message boards that GLORIFY models. In that situation perfectly normal looking people who would not be downgraded in real life for their looks are told just how low ranking they are on the scale of looks because the standard is based on MODELS. So, they get traumatized by others on those type of websites for not looking like a model and hence start to traumatize themselves for that. It's a form of BDD because it often results in a LOT of surgeries to 'look like a model' where that is hardly ever achieved and they inflict misery on themselves due to that.

THe other psyche problem is LOCUS OF IDENTITY. It's when people IDENTIFY with aspects of their appearance that would not be considered attractive but for which people in their social group were accepting of and due to not being made fun of or traumatized for having them, they learn to have more self acceptance and hence identify with them as being part of their 'uniqueness. The hall mark of LOI is when someone is made more objectively attractive or has some 'unattractive' feature corrected and BEMOANS the LOSS of that feature. There was a member on here who was made very handsome by his maxfax surgery, given a perfect smile and other corrections that elicited a 'WOW!'. Yet, he spent most of his time on board whining and crying that it didn't matter that this made him so much better looking because the new smile was not 'his' smile and the handsome face was not 'his face'. So, LOI is when there is improvement in the eyes of others (usually when the others are strangers looking at before vs after) but the person has become 'attached' to features others (usually others who are not family members) either might not find attractive or not want on their own faces.

So, of those 2, you might have LOI. But that's a GOOD thing at this stage because you still have some features that are unique to you such as the nose and some vestiges of the original chin that you, on some level might have identified with as 'being you'. Perhaps they would be missed by you or those close to you if you had surgery to change them. In that way, you can SAVE a LOT of $$ and spare yourself from missing them if you DON'T have surgery to change them.
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Dogmatix

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Re: Emotional/sad/ do we all have bdd?
« Reply #7 on: May 29, 2019, 01:35:41 PM »
I'm not sure what qualifies someone for BDD, but I can say that I think it's effectively impossible to not lose your mind while consulting and deciding for jaw surgery. It's such a complex field and you're dealing with a procedure that have the potential of altering your face significantly. If you haven't looked closely at your face before, you'll definitely start doing it. If you're already self contious about some things you might get concerned that they wont understand how you see it and will screw things up even more. This combined with how little fact you normally get about these procedures from the professionals in this field and the only thing you ever get back when asking something is the echo "you have to trust us". And then I haven't even started on the medical concerns and about getting the bite and everything else right in all of this.

I think BDD is my least concern in this. It would actually not be a bad idea to have a therapist employed next to each surgeon who can deal with all of this emotional stress so the surgeon can focus on the surgery.

GJ

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Re: Emotional/sad/ do we all have bdd?
« Reply #8 on: May 29, 2019, 05:47:38 PM »
It would actually not be a bad idea to have a therapist employed next to each surgeon who can deal with all of this emotional stress so the surgeon can focus on the surgery.

I've mentioned this in the past, and it's a good idea in theory, but the therapist would just become corrupt and back everything the surgeon does. That might make someone more messed up. Best to just find one on your own.
Millimeters are miles on the face.

Dogmatix

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Re: Emotional/sad/ do we all have bdd?
« Reply #9 on: May 30, 2019, 12:39:39 AM »
I've mentioned this in the past, and it's a good idea in theory, but the therapist would just become corrupt and back everything the surgeon does. That might make someone more messed up. Best to just find one on your own.

Yes, but the problem I have with that is that the therapist keeps telling me she doesn't know anything about jaw surgery and can't discuss it in a way that makes sense :). You basically want someone who can be a filter and answer the general questions and let the relevant get through, and also enough knowledge to discuss what the answers really mean.

Dogmatix

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Re: Emotional/sad/ do we all have bdd?
« Reply #10 on: May 30, 2019, 12:55:04 AM »
Yeah, I'd strongly encourage anyone doing this to have lots of mental support in place. 

It's a really strong feeling of lack of control - once you decide, while you're recovering, you don't have a choice in all these changes happening to you.  I'm very frustrated that I practically begged my surgeon to reduce my chin prior to surgery - we had long talks about how I thought my chin was too prominent and I wanted it shorter.  But the reality is he never considered altering his plans (to lengthen my chin) for a second based on my concerns, and I knew he was a very good surgeon (I still think that) so I decided to go with it and hope for the best.

But sure enough, my chin is the weirdest looking part of my face at the moment.  I'll probably just adjust to it over time.  Maybe I'll do botox or a revision genio later on.  But I'm going to try to find a female surgeon if I ever do that, because I think the odds that they'd actually hear my concerns and respond to them would be higher . . . .

Anyway - I think if it were not something I'd tried to control, and failed to have an impact on, it wouldn't be as frustrating.  But the reality is you're very out of control in this process in a lot of ways, and that leads to stress.

I also think this field need more women. I've consulted with 2 female orthodontists and I would change to them in a heartbeat if I could. I actually think they're less knowledgeable than my current. But it was so much easier talking to them. They listened, responded etc. All you really want is to make sure you're being heard and that what matters to you is being considered. It's really a team work and the purpose of the entire treatment is to help the patient.  The male professionals are more confident they're doing the right thing, but doing the right thing doesn't help the patient very much if they don't understand it.

GJ

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Re: Emotional/sad/ do we all have bdd?
« Reply #11 on: May 30, 2019, 07:26:04 PM »
Yeah my doc's primary concern was "winning" his point, not listening to me.  So now that I have these weird prominent notches on the sides of my chin, he says he sees nothing and won't even discuss means to mask or fix it if it doesn't blend in over time.

He sounds nice.
Millimeters are miles on the face.

cambree

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Re: Emotional/sad/ do we all have bdd?
« Reply #12 on: May 31, 2019, 09:06:03 AM »
I also struggle with body image constantly and I know it makes absolutely no sense but I feel I look different in every picture . There are good mirrors and insanely bad ones; it's funny how your day could have been going swimmingly well (you even have a little Spring in your step !) And then you encounter a 'bad' mirror and the day is irretrievably ruined

Also I wanted to share a longform article I came across, sorry if this is not the right place to post this https://www.thecut.com/2019/05/incel-plastic-surgery.html

april

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Re: Emotional/sad/ do we all have bdd?
« Reply #13 on: May 31, 2019, 10:40:56 AM »
Well that was a disturbing read....

Something far worse is going on there.

cambree

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Re: Emotional/sad/ do we all have bdd?
« Reply #14 on: May 31, 2019, 10:43:35 AM »
Eppley sure got a lot of love in that one
But I do not believe for a second he doesn't know what an incel is