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Social Rejection

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Cancerkid:
Hi Everyone,

This is my first post to apologize in advance if this has been posted in the wrong category section.

I was just curious about what people's reasons were to have jaw surgery, or those still seeking it? I guess I'm curious to find out if anyone has experienced something similar to me.

To keep things brief, I developed midfacial hypoplasia after receiving the wrong treatment for childhood Leukaemia when I was 5 years old. The different surgeons have hinted at this was probably due to the cranial radiation causing limited growth in my midface. This has resulted in embarking on jaw surgery along with implants, but I have some other issues going on like asymmetry from a tear duct surgery at 10 as well as a lot of facial bulk believed to be a result of steroids.

So for me, I have lived looking one away up until changes were evident at about 11 or 12, and my life was great. I had friends, my family treated me really well, and I felt genuinely accepted by society. But after I started to notice I looked different this is when my life completed changed. People would either ignore me or bully me, and nothing in between that. The frustrating thing about my experience is that I was only diagnosed with my facial deformity when I was 35, and it has been a battle so far trying to even find the right surgeons to treat it.

I was just wondering if other people have experienced this feeling of other people always making very fast first impressions about you and the way you look, and never giving you the time to explain why you can't smile or the trauma it has caused in your life. From my experience, people just have an interest in you if you look like what is considered to be average or better and I have read endless scientific studies that support this experience. I have also got into many arguments with people that have rejected me, and they never admit it's because of how you look the first time they met you. They much rather prefer to make some excuse up about being too busy, or you had nothing in common even when you knew you both had the same hobbies and interests.

What drove you down this pathway of what is drastic surgery to feel deeper problems?

_CK

Cancerkid:
Wow, after 140 reads of this post I thought a lot of people would have shared similar experiences to me. Maybe a lot of people here don't want to talk about their experiences. Fair enough.

Lazlo:

--- Quote from: Cancerkid on May 31, 2021, 02:16:37 PM ---Hi Everyone,

This is my first post to apologize in advance if this has been posted in the wrong category section.

I was just curious about what people's reasons were to have jaw surgery, or those still seeking it? I guess I'm curious to find out if anyone has experienced something similar to me.

To keep things brief, I developed midfacial hypoplasia after receiving the wrong treatment for childhood Leukaemia when I was 5 years old. The different surgeons have hinted at this was probably due to the cranial radiation causing limited growth in my midface. This has resulted in embarking on jaw surgery along with implants, but I have some other issues going on like asymmetry from a tear duct surgery at 10 as well as a lot of facial bulk believed to be a result of steroids.

So for me, I have lived looking one away up until changes were evident at about 11 or 12, and my life was great. I had friends, my family treated me really well, and I felt genuinely accepted by society. But after I started to notice I looked different this is when my life completed changed. People would either ignore me or bully me, and nothing in between that. The frustrating thing about my experience is that I was only diagnosed with my facial deformity when I was 35, and it has been a battle so far trying to even find the right surgeons to treat it.

I was just wondering if other people have experienced this feeling of other people always making very fast first impressions about you and the way you look, and never giving you the time to explain why you can't smile or the trauma it has caused in your life. From my experience, people just have an interest in you if you look like what is considered to be average or better and I have read endless scientific studies that support this experience. I have also got into many arguments with people that have rejected me, and they never admit it's because of how you look the first time they met you. They much rather prefer to make some excuse up about being too busy, or you had nothing in common even when you knew you both had the same hobbies and interests.

What drove you down this pathway of what is drastic surgery to feel deeper problems?

_CK

--- End quote ---

These are deep questions. I'm not sure anything can fix deeper issues except, what I've found and wish I'd found earlier was the philosophy of stoicism.

Your social rejection issues may be related to your facial features, especially if they're quite radically outside of the norm, but with social factors there are so many variables --your locations, geography, your disposition, etc. etc., my hunch would be there's more openness or kindness toward people who look different in bigger cities than there would be in small towns but I have no idea, I've only ever lived in cities.

Anyway, I've faced both ends of the spectrum. I used to think my appearance (which I evaluated negatively) was why I wasn't successful at first with girls or whatever --but I was so determined to not let it stop me I became totally indifferent to rejection and politely would introduce myself, talk  --like being good socially--a lot of it is practice. And for every friend i made or person I dated or whatever there were a lot of rejections also.

The reason I bring up stoicism is that you have to become indifferent (ideally,  and it's hard to do) with facing rejection. So if you could reframe your appearance as a challenge (and this is a kind of crucible of fire) and maybe take more social risks it will help. If jaw surgery or whatever surgery you need will shift you from "abormal looking" (and i have no idea if you indeed are, maybe you're just being too harsh on yourself) to the more average or more balanced and normal range, of course it will help.

 Or at least it will remove that thing you think is an obstacle and you won't have an excuse but to look for other areas to improve yourself. But regardless jaw surgery alone won't fix anything in and of itself.

Social savvy and emotional intelligence and even physical attractiveness are multiple-variable problems, they can be context dependent.
I've moved cities and found that in X city I was way more socially mobile and had a more fun and dynamic dating life, whereas that may not have been the case in the hometown I grew up in.

The one thing I am sure of, whatever rejection and difficulties you face, don't be afraid of trying and living your life in a positive direction --whatever those passions or interests are --because I think a lot of people think an operation will fix something and it really doesn't. Anyway, the one thing I'm sure of is all the people who treated you poorly and bullied you are f**king assholes --like seriously, at least you're not that.

GJ:

--- Quote from: Lazlo on August 19, 2021, 12:27:37 AM ---the one thing I'm sure of is all the people who treated you poorly and bullied you are f**king assholes --like seriously, at least you're not that.

--- End quote ---

Yeah, the odds are the OP is way cooler to hang out with than those guys. It's definitely a problem with them, but clearly it affected the OP, so now their problems have been projected onto him. It's pathetic and unfortunate that people feel the need to do that.

Post bimax:
There's no question a facial deformity is a huge obstacle in life.  I think it's worse than other deformities (missing an arm or a leg or something) because the face is heavily associated with peoples' snap judgements about your personality.  It's just a fact that you're at an immediate disadvantage in every type of social relation.  Romantic, platonic, commercial, and recreational social relationships are simply harder to establish for someone with a significant facial deformity.

And yet, there are millions of people with such deformities that lead extremely fulfilling lives full of friendship and love.  In my experience, I've mainly seen people achieve this through sheer force of personality and positivity, with a bit of dark humor about their condition.  This can also help put others at ease since it can be an 'elephant in the room' until you bring it up.  Not a facial deformity, but one guy in my fraternity was about 5'7 and a double arm amputee and below-average facial attractiveness.  And yet he was extremely academically successful, held multiple leadership positions on campus, was well-liked with a large social circle, and had multiple girlfriends during college (not at the same time).  He even drove.  He steered with one foot and used the other for gas and brakes.  Seriously.  I think he was able to do all this because he was always extremely positive and gregarious and he often made light of his condition.

I think another key to this is simply putting yourself out there more aggressively.  You have to do this because you're already at a disadvantage relative to other people.  Joining clubs, sports teams, hobby groups, etc is crucial because research shows that social bonds are primarily formed by repeated exposure.  And the more times someone sees you, the less they see your deformity, and the more they see just you.  One-off interactions are going to be the cruelest.

If someone rejects you for the way you look, it's not worth arguing with them.  You already know what happened and why they did it.  Getting them to admit that to themselves is not going to change any of that.  And I'm guessing (I could be wrong) that those arguments only left you more frustrated and depressed.  I understand the impulse, but it is self-destructive.

Finally, you can always pursue surgical correction.  Modern craniofacial surgery is capable of incredible things.  You haven't given too many details on your condition so it's hard to comment further here.  Surgical correction, or even mere improvement, can be life-changing.  Moving from the realm of 'obvious' facial deformity to 'maybe' something looks off is a huge step and well-worth taking.  IMO you should continue pursuing this to the fullest extent. Even in your 30s you have many years of virility left, especially with the prevalence of things like TRT these days.

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