I was in a bad mental state after visiting lookism sites
It led me to not leaving my home much cuz when I did, I had anxiety attacks(voices in my head telling me stuff that put me down etc)
I put everything together afterwards that why I was called ugly by a girl at aged 15 in high school(my fake friends were annoying me and called out an ugly moustache shaving paki girl walking by and said “tryintorecover said you’re hot” she comes up and I try to defend myself and she immediately interrupts and goes “have you seen your face, dirty face” in her dirty Urdu sounding tone
It stuck with me ever since etc and also made me realise why I was the always one being picked on, it was because I didn’t look normal(I had a broken frontal teeth since the age of 9 and my bastard dad never fixed it thus making me look further abnormal and go through the torture of bullying, his response was “you should learn to respond when people mock you” , he was a bully too who only abused me everyday like physically and emotionally, until I was 20 and big enough thanks to bodybuilding that he lay off, he chose me as a target to beat, punch, demotivate etc to cool down his anger as I believe he hated his job but had to do it to provide for the family and sacrificed whatever s**t dreams he had, he never lay a hand on my younger bro and sis tho,only me, anyways he fixed my teeth at the age of 18 only when I threatened not to do a job unless my teeth is fixed)
My bone structure in that age 18 pic might look good but I still couldn’t get girls, that was the Zyzz phase of mine, muscles did help one thing and that was help me fight back the bullies, I had taken a few MMA classes and the big muscles helped but the total lack of me being in the dating field ate me up.
Anyways I was about to take my lifting to the next level well because of my dream to be like Zyzz...
I had stumbled upon lookism sites in the process
I continued the test e at 250mg because I felt it finally gave me normal levels which I never had
I know I wouldn’t be able to have kids if I continued this long when I started it, i knew the risks before I did my first PIN...
And I do take an AI, I take it E3D.
I would stop using Test E but I know If & when i recover, I will be even lower than what I had naturally which was 271 ng/dL(at age 17, people should have 600-700 ng/dL) so i never came off
Also test e sort of helped cool down my anxiety, uplifted my mood by a tiny bit and also gave me muscles despite not lifting, the only negatives would be hair loss, bloated face constantly, acne and body fat gained due to me being able to eat a lot.
As for surgery
The reason why I pushed myself to have my Chin Wing done this year was because last year(2018) my parents decided it would be best to take sis to get her married in Pakistan, I hadn’t been to Pakistan for 10 years as I highly loathed that place due to how dirty and boring it is and generally people who attributed everything to “god”
Anyways, I had decided to go to pak secretly early to get a rhino done as i felt that should be my first step in bettering myself and I had already started to accept my face at this point once again and was thinking of resuming lifting and losing the extra weight
I had told my parents I was going to Macao for work purposes but I actually went to pak, I had fixed a Consultation date with a surgeon there(the reason I chose a paki surgeon was because he actively worked on fixing ethnic noses)
When I went to his clinic, I Found out he did Consultation and surgery on the Same day, that seemed like a major red flag to me so I immediately left,
I was about to leave pak then when I did the dumbest s**t ever, I messaged my cousins that I was in pak, they came running to see me and my parents and sis bro were in Pak at that time too so they came too
when they saw me, the girl cousin made a face like u make a srs face and squint ur eyes and says “why does he look like this. He used to be cute as a kid”
Then other cousins started mocking me slowly etc
It ate me up and I realized I will never be normal, the high school s**t wasn’t a phase at all, this will continue on in life unless I make major changes.
Those bearded pics were taken then that night.
I don’t want to look like a male model per se
I only chose Toni Mahfud as he has a Long Midface but no one can tell as his wide jaw and chin and zygos help hide it, another example is Imran abbas who has a long midface but due to wide jaw and zygos once again, it has made it hidden.
My goal is not to become one of those plastic looking freaks
It’s to be normal and able to fit in society.
I don’t want to be the outcast anymore.
Maybe you guys won’t understand as you guys have not lived a single day in my shoes.
But combine the heavy physical torture by my dad(punch, strangle, kick etc) since a kid, the bullying that started in high school, the lack of being in the dating field as an adult, the name callings when I finally went back after 10 years.
I am not asking you guys for sympathy or anything, I am just telling you what happened to me and why it did.
Well, first things first: 250mg per week is going to put you over 1,000 ng/dL which is a super-physiological level of testosterone. That's why your skin looks terrible now whereas it looked pristine 6 years ago. If you get your T-levels within the normal range, you can start fixing your skin. Most guys don't need more than 100mg per week, and that puts them near the top of the reference range. Right now you're ravaging your skin and hair with 250mg per week. If you aren't on finasteride, you're probably going to be bald by your mid 30s if you're at all genetically disposed to it.
I'm telling you right now that your cheek and jaw bones were 'normal' before; even aesthetic. If your teeth were identified as a problem, why didn't you just fix that? And sure, a rhino is fine if you really needed it (although I can't tell based on your pics).
All you probably needed was to fix your teeth and get a damn haircut. You look dirty NOW because your skin sucks, your beard sucks, and your hair is a mess. You looked WAY BETTER in the pic from when you were 18. If you had a good haircut there and you found a way to make your hair look less greasy, you would've been golden.
IMO the best way to get back to that is to stop cruising test, run PCT, and see what your baseline is after 3 months. Yes, your test production might be shot after cruising for so long. But you need to get back to a natural level and clear up your skin. THEN you can think about going to a TRT clinic to get your levels back up into the normal range. During/after that, lean down to near the BF% you were when you were 18. Your swelling should be mostly gone by the time you get there and you'll be able to see what you actually look like.
I feel sympathy for you given your experience, but you're going about this completely the wrong way. If you were way less successful with girls than your peers at 18, then either you had serious teeth/nose/eye issues or it was a personality thing. I'm leaning toward the latter based on this thread. You need to SLOW DOWN and focus on self-improvement while your body recovers from all the s**t you've put it through. That means dieting, lifting, reading, meditating, etc. I usually think the 'monk mode' concept is a bad idea but I'd recommend it in your case, at least for several months.
Anyway, your CW will probably heal fine. You need a self-help board way more than a JS board.
